


Crimson Hearts

by NoHappyEnding, themoonknows



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Gore, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, NHE Round 3, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, it's just very bloody, nhe, nhe 2018, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-25 00:24:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17714546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonknows/pseuds/themoonknows
Summary: Chanyeol kisses every scar on Baekhyun’s body to let him know he’s beautiful. Baekhyun believes him, so he adds another on his skin.





	Crimson Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> [Aff for cover/poster](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1395540/crimson-hearts)   
>  ****  
>  [Vietnamese translation](https://mcytdc6104.wordpress.com/2019/03/31/mu%CC%A3c-lu%CC%A3c-crimson-hearts-chanbaek-chua-hoan/)
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>  **Prompt #:** 164  
>  **Prompt:** Chanyeol kisses every scar on Baekhyun’s body to let him know he’s beautiful. Baekhyun believes it, so he says thank you and adds another on his skin.  
>  **Prompter:** Anonymous  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Baekhyun/Chanyeol  
>  **Word count:** 16.9k  
>  **Warning(s)/Additional tag(s):** Major character death, gore, self-harm, suicide attempt, implied smut, it’s just very bloody  
>  **Author's note:** Thank you, dear Prompter, for this simple yet intriguing prompt. This is my first attempt writing anything gore related and I had so much fun writing this. Don’t be discouraged by the gore tag, it’s pretty light reading and not too descriptive. Lastly, I’d like to thank the admins of this fest for being so helpful and understanding during this whole process. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think of Crimson Hearts once you’ve finished reading it, thank you!

## WARNING:  
STORY HAS SENSITIVE CONTENT WHICH MAY BE TRIGGERING.

### READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

There are many reasons as to why Baekhyun loves Chanyeol. It's Chanyeol's raspy voice waking him up in the morning only to hug him tighter and fall back asleep as if work is something that doesn't exist. It's Chanyeol towering over him whenever they feel a bit courageous to walk hand in hand out in public, his rough thumbs drawing soothing circles on the tender skin of Baekhyun's hand. It's the way his lover cries easily, laughs roughly and loves effortlessly.

And it's in moments like these, where Chanyeol kisses his recent bruises and the fading scars that he's gotten from his physically demanding job. His lips roaming over every single inch of skin on Baekhyun's body, praising his imperfections and showering him with love and affection. Baekhyun loves Chanyeol a lot and Chanyeol loves Baekhyun a lot, too. That's all, and that's everything Baekhyun will ever need.

They go on for an indefinite amount of time until their voices get higher and they grow needier, bodies noisily slapping against each other. One moment and then they're too exhausted to even lift a muscle.

"I love you," they say at the same time, sweat covering their bodies and soft giggles leaving their lips before they kiss once more.

It's Baekhyun who breaks away first, catching his breath and standing up on shaky legs. He moves to their bathroom, grabs a towel and looks himself in the mirror. His eyes are alive, skin flushed and heated, imprints of his lover's lips placed here and there on his torso. Chanyeol always makes it his goal to leave hickeys over every one of Baekhyun's scars that he's gotten from work as if his lips can make them fade away faster. It's such a sweet gesture, so Baekhyun often finds himself looking forward to the next day of work so that he will have more bruises to show off.

Baekhyun hurries back to Chanyeol, carefully washing away all the remains from their love-making while devouring the sight of his thoroughly wrecked boyfriend. The latter's hazy eyes meet his own and Baekhyun's chest swells with affection. To think they've only known each other for three years, dating for two nonetheless. It feels like a lifetime, and he's more than happy whenever they bring up their future together.

As if Chanyeol can read his mind, he speaks;

"Only one more month and we'll be out of here. One month and I'll take you on our dinner table, on our hammock and on our veranda. I'll love you everywhere because we'll be in a different country and I won't care about anything else but you, and you only."

"You sound so sappy," Baekhyun sniggers, his cheeks blossoming nonetheless. He throws the towel onto the floor, not feeling bothered enough to walk all the way to the bathroom again. Chanyeol reaches out for him and he's happy to shuffle back into the warm blankets. "Though I must admit the idea of us making out in front of our foreign neighbours on our newly renovated veranda sounds very appealing. Or I suppose we'll be the foreigners and not them. Do you think Italians are into voyeurism?" 

Chanyeol's rumbling laugh causes Baekhyun's body to vibrate.

"Shut up and go to sleep. There's a long day of work waiting for you when you wake up tomorrow."

Baekhyun hums in agreement and doesn't put up a fight when his eyelids become heavier by the minute. He falls asleep to the thought of a waking up to a tanned Chanyeol bringing him an iced coffee on a sunny morning in their new house. One month left. But for now, their small grey apartment in Seoul's suburbs will have to do.

 

– – –

 

"That's good! Keep going, Emma! Right foot on blue and bend your knee to accommodate your weight," Baekhyun instructs as he climbs beside the young girl. Beads of sweat run down his temples as he holds onto the climbing hold with only one hand, his other hand pointing to the unforgivingly harsh climb stones, directing his student so that she can make her next move.

"My leg won't reach the blue one, it's too high up!" Emma complains while stretching her leg out. Her thighs are trembling and Baekhyun can tell she's getting tired.

"You're young and flexible enough to reach it, just bend your other knee and pull yourself up with your arms at the same time," he encourages whilst supporting her back with his hand. With as much strength as the ten-year-old girl can muster, she pulls herself up, her leg bending in such an angle where her knee almost hits her chin. "Just like that! You're doing so well," Baekhyun praises and climbs so that they're on the same level again. "Now all you have to do is reach red, red, blue, yellow and the route is finished."

Emma’s breaths are getting ragged but she keeps going, using up all her strength as she climbs the last meter. Then they're at the top and Emma cries out in joy while Baekhyun cheers her on. They get lowered down and Baekhyun embraces Emma into a big hug as soon as their feet touch the floor. He's been teaching her for two years now, so every improvement she makes is a big success for both of them. 

"You finished our blue route! Didn't I tell you that you could do it if you just believe in yourself and your own strength?" Baekhyun gushes as his chest fills with pride. 

"I was close to giving up many times, thank you for helping me, Baek! And thank you for being the best climbing instructor in the whole world!" Emma jumps up and down in excitement, Baehyun having to let her go in an attempt to prevent her from injuring him. "Wait until mom hears about this! She can make you dinner sometime!"

Baekhyun laughs and teasingly pulls her ponytail. "There's no need, I'm happy to just instruct you and that we're able to see such great results. Now, do your stretches and take a shower. I know for a fact that an anxious mom is waiting outside for you already." Emma screeches and gives Baekhyun one last hug before hurrying off.

The smile on his face doesn't falter during the whole hour it takes for him to clean the place and prep his equipment for tomorrow's lessons. The other instructors left a while ago, leaving Baekhyun to walk the closing round, making sure that everything is in order so that he can lock the doors. 

Fog hovers over the parking lot when he leaves the building, one lonely street lamp lighting up the way as he walks towards his car. To his dismay, glistening frost covers the vehicle's windows. He sighs and he can see his breath in the cool air. It's the first cold night this year, an unforgiving winter waiting just around the corner.

But for Baekhyun, it's just one month of cool nights left until he leaves for Italy. With the thought of moving to a country with warmer winters, he picks up the ice scraper from inside the car and gets to down business.

He is welcomed with the familiar tinkling of a piano when he walks through the door to his and Chanyeol's apartment. As expected, there in the far corner of their living room sits Chanyeol, head hunched and fingers tapping absently on the keys. His dark, curly hair is getting longer as it always gets around this time of year, long enough to cover his ears completely. He remembers his boyfriend once telling him about how his long hair made him feel warmer during the colder months. Baekhyun wonders if Chanyeol will let him trim the mop of hair once they move out.

"For just how long have you been sitting here?" Baekhyun asks and smiles fondly when his boyfriend's eyes light up at the sight of him.

"Longer than I want to admit. I just can't figure out how the melody should sound after the second chorus. Will it sound better if I change it up? Should I go with the same melody? Or maybe I should–".

Baekhyun strides forward until he stands beside Chanyeol. While bending over the latter’s shoulder, he proceeds by gently pressing a kiss to his boyfriend’s moving lips. Chanyeol stops abruptly, smiling into the kiss while tracing his hand through Baekhyun's soft hair.

"Thank you," he whispers when Baekhyun backs away.

"I think you should sit down and eat something with me. Let your brain rest for a while, yeah?" Baekhyun suggests and places his cool hand over Chanyeol's bigger one. The piano cries in protest as the weight of their hands press down on the keys. But Chanyeol nods and follows Baekhyun into the kitchen, where they sit down and eat the leftovers from yesterday's dinner. The sound of their chatter calming Baekhyun in ways he never thought he would experience.

It's later – almost a little too late – and they're finally ready to go bed. As they brush their teeth and wash the exhaustion of their faces, Chanyeol tells him about his day at the office. Baekhyun doesn't have to see his boyfriend's face to realise how sick he is of his monotone work. In return, Baekhyun tries to lighten the mood by bragging about Emma's achievements earlier that night. It earns him a high five from Chanyeol who kindly showers him with compliments of how he’s _ “probably the best climbing instructor in the whole world”. _ And who's is Baekhyun to deny such flattering words?

His thighs and arms are aching in familiar fashion when he jumps into bed, Chanyeol following in tow. Their clothes are thrown haphazardly onto the floor and Baekhyun seeks warmth from Chanyeol who opens his arms in invitation. He crooks his neck to get a better look at the new bruise on Baekhyun's pale shin.

"That one already looks pretty bad," Chanyeol states as he points at the bruise. "I don't even want to imagine how it'll look tomorrow. Did it hurt a lot?" His brows are furrowed and Baekhyun can't help but smile.

"I didn't even know it was there, to be honest. This one was by far the worst one today." Baekhyun raises his arm into the air, doing his best to show the surprisingly deep cut on the backside of his upper arm.

"Shit... That looks deep, Baek," Chanyeol groans as he sits up and studies the wound. "What happened? Didn't I tell you to be more careful? I don't want you to injure yourself more than you already do."

"Hey, relax," Baekhyun soothes and Chanyeol rolls his eyes. As if  _ he _ was the one who needed comfort and not the other way around. "I was just careless and accidentally cut myself on a protruding nail on the wall. I removed it and now there's no risk at my students injuring themselves on it in the same way I did." Chanyeol is just about to open his mouth but Baekhyun beats him to it. "And  _ yes, _ I did wash it and even put a bandage on until it stopped bleeding."

Chanyeols doesn't stop eyeing the cut, not until he gently presses a kiss beside it, careful not to cause Baekhyun any pain. "Well, you're still as beautiful as ever. Just be careful, or you'll end up looking like scratched CD one day."

"Oh hush with you," Baekhyun giggles and throws the blanket over their bodies. Baekhyun can't help his chest from swelling while thinking about his boyfriend kissing away the pain from today's climb.

They leave the bedside lamp on just to make sure they won't oversleep since none of them can wake up if it's still dark in the room by morning. Soft snores leave Chanyeol's lips as he falls asleep. It isn't long until Baekhyun follows suit.

 

**\+ + +**

 

Chanyeol hates his job. He hates the weird secretary girl downstairs who always asks him about his personal life. He hates his office, where everything is white and sterile. Even his boss looks like he's always on the brink of tears although he should be the happy one since he at least gets a reasonable pay. None of his co-workers greets each other, maybe a nod here or there if they're feeling extraordinary happy on some days. The only thing that keeps Chanyeol going is the promise of a new job waiting for him in Italy. One more month of writing boring reports is no match compared to the five years he's worked here. He can handle one month.

He sighs in relief when he finally sits down by the dinner table in his apartment. Baekhyun makes himself known by the humming sounds coming from the bathroom where he's currently taking a shower. Glancing at the clock, Chanyeol decides to prepare a simple dinner. With Baekhyun's exhausting work in mind, an extra chicken leg is added to his boyfriend's plate.

It isn’t unknown that his boyfriend is prone to accidents, everyone and their mom knows. Chanyeol had to learn early on not to worry too much, though. Even when they met three years ago – note that Baekhyun hadn’t started working as a climbing instructor at that time – Baekhyun slipped on gravel on a regularly, was thrown up on by his niece who was  _ never _ ill, got hit by a football in the face and had to have surgery on his nose, and the list goes on and on. Chanyeol nearly had a heart attack when they were on their third date and Baekhyun had moonwalked his way across the train station’s platform, only to fall down onto the tracks below. Fortunately, Chanyeol had been fast enough to help him up before the train rolled in just a minute later. 

All these misfortunes would have scared him off if it hadn’t been for the always so bright and positive aura surrounding Baekhyun. When his boyfriend found himself caught in unfortunate events, he always remained calm and laughed it off. That’s probably why Chanyeol ended up falling in love in just a couple of weeks. He made a promise to himself the day they announced their relationship to their friends and family; that he would always stay by Baekhyun’s side to patch him up after all those accidents. And here he is, three years later, finding himself just as in love with his boyfriend as he was all those years ago.

"It smells delicious in here," Baekhyun compliments as soon as he enters the kitchen, still dressed in nothing but a towel around his hips. Chanyeol is just about to reply, but then he notices the cut – or cuts rather – on Baekhyun's knees.

"What the–." He strides up to where Baekhyun is standing and proceeds to go down on his knees so that he can inspect the new wounds. "They're still bleeding, Baek. What the hell happened?" In one swift motion, Chanyeol unwraps his boyfriend's towel and presses it onto the cuts. The white towel turns scarlet in just a matter of seconds. As if this is not something out of the ordinary, Baekhyun runs his fingers through Chanyeol's hair now that he's being taken care of.

"No need to worry. I think I got them when I sat down on something sharp at work today. I think it looks worse than it actually is."

Something turns in Chanyeol’s stomach as Baekhyun brushes the whole incident off. How can he just stand there while there's blood literally seeping out from both his knees? It's not a secret that Baekhyun injures himself at work, it happens all the time. But these cuts are by far the worst ones he's gotten since he started working as a climbing instructor a couple of years ago. How does he even manage to come home with a new bruise or cut every single day? Chanyeol's just happy that he only does indoor rock climbing, for now, at least. He doesn't even want to imagine how badly Baekhyun would injure himself if he climbed actual rocks. Actual  _ mountains. _

"Do you still think I'm beautiful?" Baekhyun asks when Chanyeol fails to say anything for a long time.

And what? Where did that come from?

Chanyeol looks up at his boyfriend. His beautiful and completely bare boyfriend. The answer is obvious. 

"What makes you say that? Of course, you're still beautiful." He stands up, cups Baekhyun's head with his hand and kisses his nose.

"Even with my many scars? Even if I get many more?" Baekhyun looks down and Chanyeol wishes he would always look up.

"Even with your scars," Chanyeol confirms and to his delight, Baekhyun lights up again. "I know you have a very physically demanding job and I know that you'll manage to get hurt even when I tell you to be more careful. But I also know that you love your job, so I will never make you give up on it, okay?"

"I love you," is all Baekhyun says. Chanyeol will never get tired of hearing him say that one simple phrase.

"And I love you." He peppers his boyfriend's face with kisses to brighten the mood. "Now go and get changed so that I can patch you up. The food is getting cold."

 

**\+ + +**

 

Today is the coldest day in three years according to the woman speaking through the car radio, and Baekhyun couldn't be happier about it. He usually hates cold weather and slippery snow. But the colder it gets, the easier it is for him to get excited about their move – which is now in less than one week. That's why he doesn't even get the slightest embarrassed when he slips on an icy spot next to where he parks his car. Not even an aching bum can bring his mood down.

The apartment doesn't look anything like it's done for the last couple of years. Furniture is sold, plants are – unfortunately – thrown out, old clothes are donated to people who need them more than Baekhyun and Chanyeol do. Once you set your foot inside the apartment, it echoes and looks rather bare. Since it's only one week left until their flight takes off, they sleep on a simple mattress they got to borrow from Chanyeol's second cousin or something like that.

Although their not-so-beloved apartment is soon to become the home for a different family, Chanyeol and Baekhyun can’t find it in themselves to be sad. Nothing about this move feels wrong. It has rather woven the couple closer to one another, only leaving each other alone when they have to work.

Baekhyun can't for the life of him understand how he was able to find a lover as perfect as his Chanyeol. Through all their – rather few – ups and downs, Chanyeol still treats Baekhyun like a prince. Encouraging him when getting up early to work seems like the worst thing in the world at times, kissing him until he can't help but smile. Holding, hugging,  _ worshipping  _ him through Baekhyun many body changes, from curves to bones to muscles, from flattened pastel pink hair to sweaty and messy black strands covering his forehead. From childhood scars to new ones. Chanyeol has loved him through everything. And Baekhyun promises himself to always make Chanyeol proud of him, proud of what his boyfriend looks like.

That's why Baekhyun sneaks into their empty bedroom as soon as he gets home. There's still another hour or so until Chanyeol will get back from work.

From his bag, Baekhyun brings out a small pocket knife he got from one of his students a year ago or so. In a practised manner, he pours some hand sanitizer onto the blade and blows onto it, making it dry quicker. He knows today's cut has to be longer than yesterdays. Chanyeol had barely kissed him better before he had to scurry off to the kitchen to make sure the eggs wouldn't burn.

He situates himself in the middle of the room, removes his running tights and places a towel under his bare legs. He remains unbothered as he firmly presses the knife down his calf. Blood seeps out through the gash, his pale skin splitting in two. It's not deep enough to show muscle – Baekhyun knows that would be dangerous – but it's deep enough to make him satisfied. It hurts like a bitch, but he's grown so used to injuring himself during work that the familiar feeling calms him in some weird way. Blood gushes out as soon as the cut is made, the warm liquid running down his ankles, the towel getting damp in seconds.  

It's a challenge to stand up when one of your legs are covered in your own blood, but Baekhyun makes it work. He makes sure to clean up after himself and then takes a quick shower. The cut looks even deeper when the water washes all the blood away. He has to hold onto the shower wall when the sting makes splashes of black appear in front of his eyes. For the first time since he started doing this, he can actually  _ see _ how thick the skin of his calves is – a centimetre more or less. It will probably take Chanyeol a whole hour to assure Baekhyun that this scar won't make him ugly. And Baekhyun will love to be reminded of how beautiful he is.

Now he just has to remember to cut through the wound again in a couple of days, to make sure the scar will be permanent.

 

**\+ + +**

 

"How's Baekhyun holding up? I'm sure it must be tough for him to quit his job."

It's six days left to their move.

Chanyeol sets the table while his mother peels yet another potato. His mother is always worried about Baekhyun, constantly asking Chanyeol about him. She thinks he's too skinny, too pale, too fragile, too this and too that. So it has always been his duty to assure her that Baekhyun is doing just fine. She would probably have a heart attack if something bad happened to him. At times, Chanyeol's convinced that she loves Baekhyun more than she loves her own son. But how can he blame her? Everyone loves him, and Chanyeol can't bring himself to be jealous. Not when his boyfriend is his everything.

"He's taking it pretty well. I haven't heard him complain about it too much," he answers as he neatly places the cutlery next to each plate. "Give him a week or two in Italy and he will find himself a new job where he'll fit in just fine. Although the thought of him continuing to work as a climbing instructor bothers me slightly, I'm pretty sure that he'll find a similar job over there."

"The fact that an experienced climber such as Baekhyun still manages to injure himself that badly still surprises me to this day. I wish he would look after himself a bit more. Have you given him the scar ointment I bought him?" His mother dumps the potatoes into a big pot and turns the stove on.

"Yepp, I make sure he uses it every morning," he assures and proceeds to clap his hands together. "The table is set. Can I help you with anything else?"

"No, honey, that will do. Will you go and get dad, though? Tell him to come and help me with the beef stew. I'm sure Baekhyun is in need of a saviour after listening to your dad talking about cars for a whole hour." Chanyeol sniggers and ruffles his mother's hair. He'll miss his parents once they move.

As expected, in the living room sits a very excited dad, chatting away about his childhood cars. On the couch sits Baekhyun, laughing at the right moments, asking questions to assure Chanyeol's dad that he's still listening. It's a familiar sight, and quite a funny one, too. Especially since Chanyeol knows that Baekhyun is snoring inwardly right now.

"Dad?" His dad looks slightly offended when Chanyeol interrupts him just as he's about to tell his infamous joke about car wheels for the umpteenth time this year alone. "Mom needs you in the kitchen. I'm sure Baekhyun has heard enough about cars for a lifetime's worth."

"Chanyeol, my dear son. Are you sure that you're not just jealous that I can spell forty-six car brands backwards in less than two minutes?" Baekhyun genuinely laughs at this. Chanyeol just rolls his eyes as his dad heads towards the kitchen, playfully winking at Chanyeol as he walks past him.

They barely get to watch a full episode of their favourite show before Chanyeol's mom calls out that dinner is ready. It's a delicious meal, a meal that makes Chanyeol's chest feel all bubbly and warm. His parents used to make him this exact dish when he was younger and lived at home. It's his parents' way of saying good luck to their move.

Baekhyun has to hold Chanyeol's hand under the table when his father suddenly bursts into tears. From there on, it's a domino effect. Upon seeing her husband cry, Chanyeol's mom leaps up from where she's sitting and throws herself onto a dumbfounded Chanyeol. He can feel his sweater getting damp from her tears. To no one's surprise, tears start to roll down his cheeks as well and then he's full on crying alongside his parents. The ugly sobbing, "runny-snot-getting-everywhere" kind of crying.

"Little Chanyeol," his mother sobs through shaky breaths. "Promise me that you will come and visit us. Both of you," she adds, throwing her free hand around Baekhyun's neck, pulling the two of them closer.

"We promise," Baekhyun says when he notices that Chanyeol can't seem to form a coherent sentence.

They cry a bit more, and then it's time to leave. All of them know that they'll see each other soon enough. Chanyeol even promises to visit next summer. "There's no way I'll spend a whole summer without eating my favourite ice-cream," he tells them once they're at the door.

"Take care now. Especially you, Baekhyun!" Chanyeol’s mother lectures in the doorway. His father is nodding his head vigorously beside her. "Use the knitted blanket I made you if you miss home, and take care of your poor body, alright? I can't stand seeing you hurt yourself as much as you do at your current work!" Baekhyun laughs and gives Chanyeol's parents one last hug.

"I will! And I'll make sure to call you whenever I find a new job. Take care!" he says and looks at Chanyeol who's smiling at him.

"Goodbye, mom. Goodbye, dad!" And then they're walking down the stairs, hand in hand, waving at Chanyeol's parents.

They already said their goodbyes to Baekhyun's family a week ago. But Chanyeol knows that it's just as difficult for Baekhyun as it is for Chanyeol to move to a place so far away from their families. 

It's not until they arrive home – tears washed away in the shower – with teeth brushed and cuts caressed, that Chanyeol asks Baekhyun what has been on his mind ever since he spoke to his mom before dinner. 

"Do you have any idea what you want to do once we get to Italy?" he asks when they're both in bed. Baekhyun is drawing finger doodles on Chanyeol's naked chest. "I know we have enough money saved for you to stay at home for a couple of months while looking for a job..."

"Are you worrying about money now?" his boyfriend looks rather surprised.

"No, it's nothing like that. I just... I know that working as a climbing instructor is what makes you the happiest. I'm just worried, what if you won't find a job as good as the one you have now?"

Baekhyun shoves himself up so that he's leaning on his elbow, looking down at Chanyeol with a smile playing on his lips. "You big goof, worrying about me all the time. I would lie if I told you that I won't miss my job and my students. But there's nothing I want more than to live with you. Whether we live in Seoul or in a small town in Italy, it's completely irrelevant." He kisses Chanyeol on his nose, stroking his fingers through his long hair. "Besides, Italy is a country with many mountains. So I'm sure finding a similar job won't be too difficult."

Chanyeol looks up at his boyfriend, and his chest swells with love. He's sure Baekhyun is the one, no matter how cheesy that sounds. He can't imagine himself loving someone that isn't Baekhyun.

"I love you, you know that?" He's not sure why he asks this. All he knows is that he needs Baekhyun too feel loved.

"I love you too. To the extent that I agreed to move to Italy with you, idiot."

It's like they're starring in a Hollywood movie. The two of them rolling around on that tiny mattress, getting themselves all tangled up in the bedsheets. The promise of a new home hovering just above them.

 

**\+ + +**

 

His fingers feel tingly, almost as if there are ants crawling under his skin. He can't stop his feet from tapping against the floor as he looks up to where Emma is currently climbing. She will reach the top soon, so he makes sure his grip on the rope attached to her harness is firm. Today is his last day at work and he doesn't know how to feel about it. His eyes keep getting misty even when he tries not to think about it. He blinks rapidly and watches as Emma touches the last rock before letting out a gleeful shriek. She pushes herself from the wall and grins down at Baekhyun as he lowers her down. As soon as the little girl stands in front of him he wraps his arm around her.

"I'm so proud of you, Emma. I can't wait to see you grow even more and climb actual mountains one day." There's a lump in his throat, but he reckons she doesn't notice.

"Mom will take pictures of me and send them to you! I will try to finish the orange route next, and when I complete it, mom will send you pictures! I promise to send you pictures, Baek!" Emma assures him, patting him on the back. Baekhyun laughs as he tries to picture what they must look like. A kid comforting a full grown man.

"That would make me really happy. And I promise to come and watch your improvements in person in a couple of months."

Emma tightens her grip around his torso. "Promise me you won't find another favourite student in Italy and forget about me! I will miss you, Baek. Thank you for these years!" Baekhyun pretends he doesn't notice the way her voice trembles.

"I promise. Now go before you break my ribs. Say hi to your mom and dad from me, okay?" Emma giggles and lets go of him.

"Bye, Baek! Bye, bye, goodbye!"

He ruffles her hair one last time before she runs off towards the changing room. To say that he will miss her an achingly amount would be an understatement. While smoothly rubbing the tears away, he begins to clean up. He takes his time putting everything in order, even going as far as organizing the chalk buckets in order of colour. But the time has come, at last. He can't drag out on it any longer. With one last glance around the big hall, he turns the lights off and leaves.

There's no piano-playing Chanyeol waiting for him at home. Chanyeol is also having his last day at work today, so he'd told Baekhyun that he would grab some dinner with his colleagues after work. To Baekhyun's delight, there’s some leftover beef stew from yesterday which he proceeds to devour until there are only a few carrots left on the plate. It's getting late, but he still feels restless. So he washes the dishes and piles them on the drying rack. Something sharp catches his attention and he grabs onto one of the shiny knives as if in a trance.

It's one of the sharper ones, gifted to them only a few weeks ago as a going away gift from Chanyeol's sister. The blade is as sharp as it could possibly get and Baekhyun almost drools. He lifts his sweater which exposes his hip. With his free hand, he gently drags the knife along the thin skin. Since he's barely putting any pressure on the stroke there's no blood seeping out, just a white, irritated line. It feels nice. As if there's someone dragging their nail across his skin. As if Chanyeol's caressing him. There's a pleasant knot in his abdomen, making his insides feel even more tingly. The sides of his mouth quirk up as he presses down more firmly with the knife. His eyes roll back in his head and he can feel warmth seeping out of him, running down his hips, making his jeans and boxers damp. Just imagining Chanyeol kissing the new cut makes Baekhyun's knees feel weak. His big hands patching him up, his nose breathing out just by the cut as he presses his face–

"Oh my–." Something crashes as it hits the floor. "Baekhyun!"

Even through his groggy state, Baekhyun recognizes his lover's voice. He blinks as he feels someone embrace him, dragging him to the floor. The knife is forced out of his hand and he feels lost, so lost. Why is Chanyeol sitting on top of him with both his hands locking Baekhyun's hands to the floor on either side of his head? Chanyeol's eyes are wide open and he's catching his breath, hot air fanning Baekhyun's face. This makes Baekhyun panic. He tries to lift his arms so that he can hug his boyfriend, but Chanyeol is not letting go.

"What are you doing? What happened?" Baekhyun screams and sees his spit hitting Chanyeol in his face, but the latter seems to be frozen to the spot. Baekhyun is suddenly reminded of his bloody hip, and the knife, and the sensation that came along with it.

Instead of asking if Baekhyun is alright, Chanyeol throws himself off him and crawls to the cupboards. He leans against it, wrapping his arms around his long legs and stares at Baekhyun. His body is shaking and there are silent tears falling down his cheeks. Baekhyun has never before seen him like this and he doesn't know what to do. They just stare at each other for an eternity, Chanyeol never blinking. He looks at Baekhyun as if he just murdered someone.

"Chanyeol I–", he tries but Chanyeol screams. He screams and screams and Baekhyun's ears are ringing. He fumbles forwards and his heart drops in his chest because Chanyeol shies away from him. He hits his head against the cupboard in his attempt to move as far away from Baekhyun as he possibly can.

Baekhyun doesn't notice the blood trace that he's leaving behind as he crawls on all fours to get to his boyfriend, but Chanyeol does. So he turns onto his side and throws up all over the floor. With an aching heart, Baekhyun hurries to his side and wraps his arms around his waist. He tries to make Chanyeol listen, assuring him that everything's okay, but Chanyeol's whole body is trembling and the content of his stomach keeps spilling out. He's like a volcano in the way he's shaking, ready to erupt at any moment. Baekhyun cries too. He cries because how did this happen. How did they end up like this?

It feels like they spend eternity like this, Chanyeol panicking and Baekhyun soothing him. But then Chanyeol's muscles start to relax and his breathing slows down. He seems to get his thoughts sorted, because one second he's lying down with Baekhyun pressing into his side, and the next he's sitting up, facing Baekhyun.

"Don't talk to me," he says soullessly and stands up. Baekhyun doesn't get to reply before his boyfriend leaves the kitchen only to return a moment later with a first aid kit in hand. His brows furrow as he steps over his own puke and sits down next to Baekhyun again.

"Let me expl–", Baekyun tries again but Chanyeol is quick to stop him mid-sentence.

"Don't," Chanyeol begins, looking down at Baekhyun's injured hip. "Don't talk to me right now." His lips are a thin line.

Not wanting to add more fuel to the fire that is Park Chanyeol, Baekhyun shuts his mouth and lets his boyfriend take care of him. He probably needs stitches and he's lost a decent amount of blood, but going to a hospital is the last thing he wants right now. Chanyeol washes the cut with an alcohol of some sort and he doesn't soothe Baekhyun when he groans at the sting. He tapes the cut and puts a big gauze over it to stop the bleeding.

Then the only thing left for them to do is to clean up this whole mess. If someone were to walk in on them at this exact moment, they would probably think a massacre had occurred. It's not until Baekhyun mops his own blood from the floor that he realizes how bad his cut must be. What a sight this is; Baekhyun removing his blood with a mop while Chanyeol scrubs his puke from the floor. It's only when they're done cleaning one hour later that Chanyeol finally speaks.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" he snarls and casts Baekhyun a disturbed glance. He can't believe his boyfriend is looking at him like that.

"I don't know," Baekhyun answers honestly. "You said you wouldn't be back until late since you were going out with your co-workers."

"You're absolutely... So what? If I wouldn't have gone home earlier I wouldn't have found you and you would've been–"

"Dead? This can't kill me, Chanyeol! I'm still here, aren't I? This isn't dangerous!" Baekhyun yells because he doesn't understand why Chanyeol is questioning him all of a sudden.

"You could’ve died!" Baekhyun startles at Chanyeol's roar. Did his Chanyeol just scream at him like that? The same Chanyeol whose whispers are as soft as flower petals falling to the ground?

"Please," he begs. "Please don't yell at me."

Chanyeol throws his arms in exaggeration. "I'm screaming at you because you tried to kill yourself just a moment ago! You can't expect me to react in any other way!"

"I didn't try to kill myself. What are you talking about?" Baekhyun asks in bewilderment. "Do you really think I would've cut myself in my  _ hip _ , out of all places, if I wanted to kill myself?"

"How the fuck would I know? Why would you cut yourself in the first place, then? I can't believe any of this is happening. This has to be some kind of twisted nightmare." Chanyeol starts to wander around the room, seemingly on the brink to panic again. Then he stops just as abruptly and turns to Baekhyun, who's watching his lover with anxious eyes. "Why would you do this when you're everything I have, Baekhyun?"

And Baekhyun's heart sinks in his chest. With no other thought in mind than to comfort the man standing in front of him, he wraps his arms around Chanyeol's middle, resting his head against the latter's chest.

"I would never leave you, Chanyeol. The fact that you would even think something like that makes me want to cry. You're everything to me, the reason I'm here, safe and sound."

"Then why? Tell me why," Chanyeol begs and slips his arms around Baekhyun.

Baekhyun swallows.

"Because you love my scars."

And then Chanyeol cries. Not the ugly kind of crying like when he said goodbye to his parents, but the weeping kind. The kind of crying where all people surrounding said person starts to cry as well. The sounds that leave Chanyeol is those of a wounded puppy, high pitched and throaty whines. And yet, Baekhyun doesn't understand why Chanyeol is so sad. Because it's the truth. Chanyeol loves his scars, that's what he's always told Baekhyun, for years and years. To Baekhyun, creating scars has been his way of making Chanyeol happy, making Chanyeol love him more.

"Because you always tell me that I'm beautiful no matter how many scars I get from work. You kiss my cuts better and you make me  _ feel _ better," he explains into Chanyeol's chest. With his ear pressed to the chest, he can make out the sounds of Chanyeol's hiccups perfectly. It feels liberating to finally tell him the truth about his cuts. 

"Not like this," Chanyeol weeps. "Never like this."

Baekhyun steps away and Chanyeol looks down on him. What? What did he mean by  _ "never like this” _ ?

"So you only like me when I get real scars from work and not the ones I make with my own hands?"

"What the– what's that supposed to mean? Have you injured yourself on purpose before?" Chanyeol backs away again and stops when his bottom bumps against the counter. His eyes don't leave Baekhyun's.

"Of course I have! Do you really think I'm  _ that _ bad at my job? Sure, I cut myself here and there by accident when I first got there a couple of years ago, but that was a long time ago. These ones," Baekhyun lifts his leg and points to the still irritated cut on his calf, "I made them myself two days ago! And you kissed me and told me I was still beautiful!"

Chanyeol looks like he's about to be sick again, but he forces his stomach to calm down. He looks at Baekhyun like he doesn't know the man standing in front of him.

"Do you mean to tell me that I'm not beautiful anymore? Do you no longer want me now when you know?"

"You... you self-harm because of me. This is all my fault," Chanyeol whispers and puts his head in his hands.

"No, Chanyeol! This isn't self-harm–".

"You're the definition of self-harm in a living form, Byun Baekhyun!" Chanyeol cuts off and seems to regret is as soon as he utters the words.

Baekhyun turns around and runs into their bedroom. He throws himself onto the lonely mattress and closes his eyes, not wanting to see this cruel world for only a second longer. How had this day turned into such a mess? He'd been happy, a little blue after saying goodbye to his favourite student, of course, but happy nonetheless. That was just a couple of hours ago. And now here he is, in what must be the biggest fight he and Chanyeol have ever had before.

He feels lied to. Chanyeol has lied this whole time since he only now blames Baekhyun for hurting himself. He loved Baekhyun's scars before, so why would the method of creating said scars change anything?

With a heavy sigh, he removes his sweater and bloody pants. The crisp bed sheet is probably getting stained but he couldn’t care less. It's better to sleep than to think too much about all of this. His fingers travel along his stomach, towards the patched up cut. The gauze will probably have to be removed as soon as he wakes up as it's already turning crimson. It hits him how much it hurts now when he's lying in their bed all by himself with no one to kiss him better. But today has been an emotional rollercoaster, and that's why sleep finds him within seconds.

He only wakes up when he hears someone entering the room. Keeping his eyes shut, he feels the mattress dipping down when Chanyeol lay down beside him, strong arms wrapping around his torso while making sure not to touch his gauze.

"Never do that again," Chanyeol whispers with his lips brushing over Baekhyun's ear. "I love you too much."

Baekhyun goes back to sleep.

 

**\+ + +**

 

There are only four days until the move now, and things have looked better in the Park and Byun household.

The morning after the  _ incident _ – as Chanyeol thinks of it whenever he's taken back to that night – Baekhyun had apologized and Chanyeol couldn't do anything else than wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and kiss him like the world was about to end. No matter how many years will pass, Chanyeol is sure he will never forget that night, ever. From arriving home after saying a final goodbye to his colleagues, to finding the love of his life drenched in his own blood on the kitchen floor. Baekhyun had almost looked possessed, with the white of his eyes showing and a knife glued to his veiny hand. Chanyeol has to shake his head as the image penetrates his mind once again.

He'd almost refused to leave the house today, not wanting to leave Baekhyun alone for the time being. But Baekhyun had urged him to go out and run some errands, reminding him time after time that he would be okay while Chanyeol was gone. And Chanyeol had to believe him, didn't he? Baekhyun is a grown man after all, and grown men must understand that repeating an action like  _ that _ will have consequences. So that's why he's walking down another aisle of greens and fruits at the moment. He will make Baekhyun's favourite dish today, anything to make them move past what has already happened.

Chanyeol loves Baekhyun more than anything else. He loved him when his skin was soft and delicate, the only marks on his body being a couple of moles here and there. He loved him when he got a job after university, where he ended up coming home with bruises and scratches from the physically draining work. He continued to love him when the bruises got bigger and the cuts grew deeper. Why wouldn't he? Wasn't it obvious to Baekhyun that Chanyeol loved him for  _ him _ and not for his body?

It clearly wasn't. That's what pains him the most. How can he show Baekhyun that he's beautiful without romanticising his scars? It hadn't been his intention for Baekhyun feel more beautiful with the scars on his body, but he'd wanted him to feel beautiful either way, with scars or not. Because he knew that Baekhyun would always keep injuring himself, that's what wall climbing did to you. But he never wanted Baekhyun to hurt himself just to make Chanyeol happy. The thought makes him sick.

He has to shake his head once again, just to clear his thoughts. Baekhyun had written a list of things to buy from the store, so Chanyeol skims over the tiny note and grabs different stuff from the shelves. Once he pays for the products and leaves the store, he decides to buy something from the liquor store across the street. It takes him no time at all to find Baekhyun’s favourite wine, an expensive one from Italy out of all places. Chanyeol recalls a few weeks ago when the two of them had been going through the pictures of their house in Italy for the umpteenth time. Baekhyun had told Chanyeol that he would bring him with him to the many vineyards in the town they'll live in. They'd watched videos on the internet where sunburnt tourists were grape treading in huge wooden buckets, everyone laughing and seeming to have a great time.

"I've read that if you participate in the grape treading, you'll be allowed to taste some of the aged wines for free!" Baekhyun had said, looking at Chanyeol with expectant eyes.

"Who am I to turn down an offer like that? I'd love to go with you once we are settled in," Chanyeol had promised and Baekhyun had kissed him on his cheek. As Baekhyun went back to watching the videos, Chanyeol had kept his eyes on him. Baekhyun's eyes had been filled with such eagerness, resembling a kid on Christmas morning. There had been comets crossing the pupils of his eyes, setting off sparks and igniting fires. It was at times like that Chanyeol was reminded of how much he loved him.

The cashier's wave in front of his face throws Chanyeol back to the present, to where Baekhyun is waiting for him at home. He pays the cashier who's looking anything but happy and hurries out of the store. It's a mere ten-minute walk back to their apartment, but in that short distance he meets not one, but three of his friends from high school. They look exactly like they did back in school all those years ago.

"I've been damned. If it isn't our favourite composer, Park Chanyeol!" exclaims one of his friends. All of them exchange hugs and can't help but to remark how old and ugly they've become, all said in a playful manner, of course. While glancing at his friends, Chanyeol prides himself that he's probably the most good-looking one still. After all, he'd always been more popular with girls compared to all three of them combined. Not that he's cared about girls ever since he got together with Baekhyun.

Although they haven't met in years, the friends know just how to get the conversation going. They seem genuinely happy when Chanyeol tells them about his move to Italy, even more so when they realise he has found someone to share his new home with. They ask him about everything, basically interrogating him about what he's been up to the last couple of years.

Chanyeol finds out that the three of them joined a small company that arranges musicals not too long ago, hence meeting each other and becoming close friends again. One of them even tells him that they're looking for someone who has experience playing the piano. It would've been nice to try it out, but the move is just around the corner so Chanyeol just laughs it off.

They talk for a long time. That's until Chanyeol sneaks a glance at his wristwatch just to realise that Baekhyun has been alone for almost two hours. His poor boyfriend must be starving by now. He does his best at steering the conversation into an end before he excuses himself and informs the others that he has to go. His friends hug him once last time and assure him that if he ever comes back to visit, he'd be more than welcome to meet up with them. Then Chanyeol must hurry back home.

The door is still unlocked when he arrives home, indicating that Baekhyun has not left the apartment while he was out. There's an old tune playing from the speaker in the living room, a favourite of Baekhyun's. Chanyeol finds himself humming along to the slow melody as he steps out of his shoes. His hands are freezing so he rubs them together in a failed attempt to create some friction.

He can hear running water, probably Baekhyun doing the dishes in the kitchen. Once he steps into the kitchen, there's no Baekhyun welcoming him. There's water running from the tap, as expected. Chanyeol turns it off with furrowed brows.

"Baekhyun?" he calls out. He's getting the creeps as no one answers him. With no Baekhyun in the kitchen, he tries the living room. Baekhyun has probably fallen asleep on the couch with the music on, hence him not waking up to Chanyeol's call. But the living room is just as empty and Chanyeol is starting to freak out a little. With a shaky hand, he lowers the volume on the speaker and tries to make out any noise.

The door to the bathroom is wide open, no showering or teeth-brushing boyfriend on display. There's only one room left to check and it's their bedroom. If Chanyeol doesn't find Baekhyun snoring on the mattress, he doesn't know what he'll do. He walks up to the closed door and turns the knob. 

What he sees next makes his knees give away and he falls to the floor.

Right in front of him, splayed out on the cold bedroom floor, lies Baekhyun.

"No," Chanyeol manages to whisper through dry lips.

Baekhyun is wearing Chanyeol's old t-shirt. It has always been way too big on him, but he's so insistent of wearing it, claiming that the piece of clothing smells like home. He's on his back, eyes closed and mouth open. His arms as thrown on either side of his body, exposing bloody wrists.

There's no time to be ill this time. Chanyeol crawls up to his lover's lifeless body and grabs the two used socks that are within arms reach. He's kneeling in one of the bloody puddles forming around Baekhyun's wrist. There's a raging roar tumbling in his chest as he drops the socks multiple times before he finally manages to wrap them around the wrists. It comes as a surprise even to himself when he manages to dial 199 within seconds.

"199, what's your emergency?" answers a lady voice on the other end.

"Send help, quick!" Chanyeol has to cough to make his voice audible.

"We have access to your current position. Please tell me what has happened."

"It's my boyfriend," he begins and has to look away from the bloody sight in front of him. "He has cut his wrists a-and I don't know what to do now, why would he do this, how could he do this, I don't know how–". The woman interrupts him before he's able to have a panic attack.

"Calm down, sir. An ambulance is on its way just this moment. Can you tell if he's showing any life signs?"

The calm woman speaks slowly to him, giving him instructions of how he can check the current state of Baekhyun. Chanyeol sees the blood pumping out through his veins. That's a pulse. He hovers over his face, both hearing and feeling the warm puffs of air leaving Baekhyun's lungs.

He's alive.

It’s such a cruel sight. His boyfriend is bleeding to death beneath him and there’s nothing he can do to save him. Nothing comes to mind when he tries his best to remember how to keep a dying person alive. He has already checked Baekhyun’s pulse, but what if he stops breathing in just a moment? What if the ambulance gets stuck in traffic and doesn’t arrive in time? It’s too late. Chanyeol was too busy chatting away with his high school friends when he knew that Baekhyun was waiting for him to come back home. He was selfish. Look where that got him. 

Chanyeol doesn't cry until two unfamiliar men run into the bedroom with a stretcher and a bag packing medical supplies he could only dream of pronouncing right. He sits frozen to the spot as the two men put Baekhyun on the stretcher and rush out of the room, Baekhyun's head lolling from side to side. Two other men enter the room, these ones appear calmer as they approach Chanyeol. They wrap a blanket around his back and slowly helps him to his feet.

Chanyeol all but cries and cries, his lungs heaving for air. It feels like he'll never be able to breathe again. Not after this.

Three full-grown men ascending a narrow apartment stair in a row is a job in itself, but the two medics by his sides make it work. Chanyeol can't remember jumping into the ambulance, but he still ends up there somehow. He sits at the front with the driver, seemingly "too appalled and unapproachable" to be of any comfort to the patient. The driver sends him concerned looks as Chanyeol continues to cry and fight for the air to reach his lungs. He can feel his lips moving, feels the vibration in his chest as words leave his mouth in an incoherent ramble, but he doesn't know what he's saying. Maybe he's just talking in an attempt to keep himself grounded, as to not let his mind escape to some better place, a better Baekhyun.

Baekhyun had told him two days ago that he didn't want to kill himself, that his scars were meant for Chanyeol only. Why did he lie? How can he kill himself in their bedroom, where they've created nothing but happy memories together? How can he lie to Chanyeol and leave him all alone? Baekhyun is selfish. He's a selfish jerk who feeds on Chanyeol's love and gives nothing in return.

No.

No no no no no. How can he even have these thoughts regarding his boyfriend? Baekhyun is Chanyeol's everything in exactly the same way Chanyeol is Baekhyun's everything. His lover is anything but selfish. Not when he has given Chanyeol a reason to look forward to his future, to their life together. He has given him encouraging taps on his back, arms welcoming him home, lips parting in desire, a place where the two of them become one. He has given him promises of a future with them lying on their deathbed together, legs too tired from the many years of strolls around the olive gardens, wrinkly hands intertwined as they take their last breath together. Because Chanyeol is sure, so incredibly sure, that he cannot live in a world where there's no Baekhyun.

"They will do their best to save him. Remember, he was still breathing when we got to you. You'll be okay." It's the driver speaking. His right hand is resting on top of Chanyeol's thighs, but he can't feel the heat radiating from it.

Baekhyun is still alive.

Everything will be okay.

 

**\+ + +**

 

Baekhyun's head hurts. His eyes hurt from the burning light, making it difficult for him to open them. His chest hurts and his arms hurt. Just about everything hurts.

"Baekhyun? Can you hear me?" It's an unfamiliar voice speaking, but they seem to know his name. He has to blink several times until his eyes get adjusted to the light. A woman is hovering over him. "He's awake," she informs and a man steps into his vision. Both of them look down on him as if he's been injured badly.

Which he has been. Shit.

"C-chan–". He tries to speak his name, but the nurse beats him to it.

"Park Chanyeol is in the waiting room. You've lost a lot of blood from the cuts you inflicted. Dr Kim Hoseok here has stitched you up. Please follow this light." The nurse moves her flashlight from left to right, down and up. The light is blinding, but Baekhyun follows it with squinted eyes.

Everything is a blur from there on. Nurses keep coming and going, performing all types of check-ups on him. It's tiring, really. His wrists are still bandaged so he hasn't seen what they look like yet, which is kind of a relief. He's taken to another room, now able to walk on his own. They tell him that he'll spend the night here and that there's someone who'll talk to him early tomorrow morning, a therapist of some sort. It's doesn't come as a surprise, he knows what he must look like. If he walked in on someone with cuts as deep as his on their wrists he'd also be pretty sure that it'd been a suicide attempt.

But it really hadn't been.

He was just stressed out and Chanyeol was gone and the knife was right  _ there,  _ begging Baekhyun to use it. His body had been screaming for it, he remembers the goose bumps spreading over his body as the blade sliced through his veiny wrists. The blood had oozed out of him in alarming speed, but it'd been so satisfactory to watch it flow out in steady pumps. It'd been like watching his heartbeat.

It had not been an attempt to kill himself, it had been his way of relieving some stress and making Chanyeol appreciate him more.

It's only when Chanyeol storms into the room where Baekhyun's resting, that he realises what he has put the former through. Chanyeol falls down on his knees beside his bed and grabs onto his arms, careful not to touch the bandages. His hair is a black mess, eyes puffy and lips swollen. He doesn't look up at Baekhyun when he speaks, instead keeping his head lowered, his too-long fringe falling over his eyes.

"I will not let you leave until you get back to your normal self. Whether it'll be in one day, a month or a year. I will not let you put me through this ever again, you understand?" He sounds like a parent scolding his kid and Baekhyun laughs.

"Don't worry, I just want–”.

"Why are you laughing? Do you think this is a joke? Do you think I've been crying for hours on end, begging the nurses for answers about your wellbeing, only for you to laugh at me when you finally decide to wake up? What the fuck is wrong with you, Baekhyun?" Chanyeol is still looking down although his shoulders are shaking. He's screaming at Baekhyun, again.

"Calm down, will you?" Baekhyun sits up in the bed and struggles out of Chanyeol's tight grip on his arm. Instead, he drags his fingers through his boyfriend's hair, gently massaging his scalp.

"I hate you for putting me through this," Chanyeol whimpers and Baekhyun's heart breaks.

"I love you," is the only response he can think of. Chanyeol finally looks up at him with tears rolling down his cheeks.

"I love you, so fucking much," he answers back and it's a relief for both of them. Whatever they've been through this week, they know they'll never be able to let go on one another.

Baekhyun scoots over in the tiny – extremely hard and uncomfortable – bed and motions for Chanyeol to squeeze in under the blanket with him. His boyfriend ends up beside him in no time, scooting down so that he can rest his head on Baekhyun's chest. A whimper leaves Chanyeol's mouth as he looks anywhere but at his bandages.

They spend the whole night like that, with frequent check-ups disturbing their piece every once in a while. Baekhyun tries to convince Chanyeol that he'd not meant to injure himself this badly, but the latter seems just as upset over the fact that he injured himself in the first place, whether he wanted to kill himself or not. When Baekhyun's hand grows tired after caressing Chanyeol's scalp for hours, Chanyeol still grabs onto it, hovering it over his face. He strokes the bandage with his fingertips and looks up at Baekhyun through his fringe.

"I will not kiss it better unless you promise me that this was the last time. And don't lie to me, I cannot live with the idea of you lying to me."

Baekhyun hesitates.

"Will you still find me beautiful, even when all my scars turn white and fade away?"

"You  _ are _ beautiful, Baekhyun. Always has been. I loved you with no scars and I will love you even more with your scars. This is a battle I never thought we'd have to fight, but I'll be more than happy to fight it with you, just to make you see how extraordinary, breathtakingly mesmerising you are." He scoots up so that his face is resting next to Baekhyun's on the single pillow. "You have to believe me when I say that my whole chest aches whenever I see you, even after all these years. It pains me because I cannot understand how someone like me found someone like you. My heart combusts every day just because of the thought of loving you every single day for the rest of our lives makes me believe that I’m living in a dream. I will love you, always. And I'll kiss you better even if you don't get any more scars."

Chanyeol radiates love and Baekhyun absorbs it like the desert craving for water. There are tears blurring his vision as Chanyeol speaks all those kind words.

"I promise," Baekhyun says even as there's a knot in his stomach which doesn't want to untie itself. "And you'll love me even when I hurt myself from accidents?"

"I will," Chanyeol sighs and presses his lips to Baekhyun's forehead. "But I don't want you to come up with excuses just to injure yourself. You're beautiful without irritated cuts and bruised skin too, you know?"

And there it is. Everything Baekhyun has dreaded to hear. Because he's not beautiful without his cuts, that's why Chanyeol has been so prone to worship them. Have all those kisses and gentle fingers caressing his wounds been a lie? A way to make Baekhyun feel better about himself even as his body deforms into a monster covered in scar tissue?

Chanyeol tells him that he's beautiful with scars.

Chanyeol tells him that he doesn't want Baekhyun to create more scars.

So which one is it?

"I guess?" is what Baekhyun answers because he can't get a grip on what Chanyeol is trying to achieve by all of this.

That seems to be good enough of an answer to Chanyeol because he puts Baekhyun's hand to his face and gently presses his lips to the bandage. Baekhyun gasps unwillingly and stares at those lips. Those pink, pouty and slightly chapped lips. Chanyeol grabs onto his other hand and kisses it as well. Then he looks at Baekhyun as if he's Chanyeol's whole world and Baekhyun swells with pride. He just wishes Chanyeol hadn't lied to him during all these years, wishes that he can at least pretend to love Baekhyun’s ugly scars. Because that's what they are; ugly and grotesque. He has hurt himself in so many ways for nothing, just to make his boyfriend happy. Surprise, it had only caused Chanyeol to feel grossed out.

It feels like he's going to be sick, but before he can excuse himself Chanyeol kisses him on the mouth. He seems almost frantic. As if Baekhyun will disappear as soon as the kiss ends. Before he has any more bad thoughts, Baekhyun closes his eyes and finds himself trapped between those lips. It's enough to make him forget about his aching wrists for now.

 

**\+ + +**

 

"Can you please tell me about yourself, Baekhyun?" the man with too-big spectacles asks.

The three of them are sitting in a room on the top floor of the hospital. Chanyeol, Baekhyun and a therapist, that is. Instead of there being four concrete walls as the rest of the rooms in the building, two walls are made entirely out of glass. The sun is about to go up, illuminating the room in shades of pink and purple. The man with the spectacles is sitting on an uncomfortable-looking armchair opposite of Baekhyun and him. Chanyeol's hand is resting on top of Baekhyun's thigh, the two of them squeezed into each other on an equally uncomfortable couch.

Baekhyun shrugs and fiddles with Chanyeol's hand.

"Uhm...," he begins and looks over at Chanyeol for support. Chanyeol is quick to nod encouragingly at him. "Well my name is Baekhyun, but you already know that, of course. I'm twenty-four, which you probably know as well. Is there something you don't know about me? Because I really don't know where to begin."

"I know what I need to know, but I don't know what you know about yourself. Do you trust me enough to tell me about what happened?" the man asks and sends him a polite smile.

"To say that I trust someone I met five minutes ago would be a lie, but I guess that's why we're here. I don't know what to tell you."

"Maybe you can tell me about the gentleman sitting beside you? Him I know nothing of, but he must be important since he followed you here today." Chanyeol feels his skin growing hot and glances at Baekhyun. His heart flutters when his boyfriend's lips quirk to the side.

"Well, this is Park Chanyeol. We met three years ago through some of our friends and he's the person who lives with me."

"Lives with you? Are you roommates?"

"He's my boyfriend," Baekhyun states and chews on his bottom lip as the therapist writes something down on his notes. Chanyeol squeezes Baekhyun’s thigh as he feels him stiffen beside him. 

"And what do your families think of that?"

"They are very supportive, thank you. I thought we were going to talk about why I'm here, not my love life." There's a bite in Baekhyun's words. Chanyeol knows Baekhyun often finds it difficult to talk openly about their relationship. 

"We are here to talk about your condition, Baekhyun. Has it ever occurred to you that you maybe did what you did because of this relationship? It's a cruel world out there, I know. Perhaps you find it difficult to express your love in public?"

"That has nothing to do with anything. Do you think I'm afraid to tell the world that I'm in love with a guy? I would never kill myself over something like that! What's up with all these stupid assumptions?" Chanyeol has to put his arm around Baekhyun's waist so that he won't storm off. Although he has to agree that these questions have nothing to do with what happened to Baekhyun, even Chanyeol can tell.

The man bows his head in apology and adds a few notes on his tablet. "I'm sorry if my questions were too personal. That's my job after all," he says and looks at Baekhyun with furrowed brows. "About your  _ accident _ ," he begins and stresses the last word. "Have you found yourself lost in deep thoughts lately? Is there anything in your life that exposes you to stress or makes you feel troubled?"

Chanyeol is curious about this too. Baekhyun leans into Chanyeol's side and sighs.

"I've said this a hundred times before. There's nothing wrong with me at all. I have a loving family and I'm more than excited to move with Chanyeol to Italy. I have a future to look forward to, therefore I'm not depressed or sad or angry or whatever. I was just stressed!"

There has to be something else to it, Chanyeol is sure. Who in their right mind would go and injure themselves just to "relieve some stress"? It's weird to not know everything about Baekhyun. He'd thought he knew him in and out, but Baekhyun had clearly lied to him about all those accidents at work. There's something wrong with him, but Chanyeol doesn't know what. All he can do is hope that Baekhyun will be offered some real help.

They take a five-minute break after a while, the therapist leaving the room to let Baekhyun's brain take a breather. As soon as he leaves and the door closes after him, Baekhyun groans and leans back on the couch. He closes his eyes and breathes slowly. He seems irritated.

"You're doing great," Chanyeol assures him and drags his fingers through Baekhyun's hair. "Just try to relax and be honest. He's here to help you get better." Baekhyun opens his eyes only to glare at him.

"What's that supposed to mean? I don't need help to get better because there's nothing wrong with me in the first place. Whose side are you on, really?"

Chanyeol has to take a deep breath as to not bite back. After all, he knows that this must be exhausting for him. Still, how can Baekhyun not see that cutting himself to the extent that he almost died is something that is quite alright for others to be concerned about?

"I know there's nothing wrong with you. But can't you agree that what you've done to your body is disturbing?"

"Disturbing?" Baekhyun moves away from his touch, eyes downcast. "You find me disturbing?"

Here they go again. Maybe this is what they get for spending three years together without fighting. There's probably some higher power up there who's eating popcorn while enjoying this shit show.

"Don't twist my words, Baekhyun. You're not disturbing and you know it, but this isn't right. You can't expect me to be happy about the fact that you've injured yourself for years just because you want me to make you feel better about yourself!" Chanyeol stands up, his blood starting to boil. He almost regrets raising his voice when he sees Baekhyun putting up his invisible shield. Almost. But then Baekhyun screams back and he doesn't regret it at all.

"Get out of here! I don't need one more person to judge me. Especially not you out of all people!"

"Then accept the help you're offered! Let these people help you. Let  _ me _ help you!" There's spit going everywhere as he yells at the boy he loves. "But we can't help you if you won't admit that what you've done is concerning!" Now Baekhyun raises up to his feet as well.

"Get out! Now, before I do something I might regret!" His eyes are wide open, glaring at Chanyeol as if he wants to cut his tongue out.

Chanyeol wants to rip his hair out. But instead, he curses and kicks the armchair before storming out of the room, leaving an equally upset Baekhyun behind. His legs take him down the many stairs, feet stomping loudly on the polished floor earning him a couple surprised yelps from some of the nurses and patients strolling down the corridors. Regret comes to him as soon as he sits down on the artificial grass spot outside. These incidents are clearly affecting both of them, in terrible ways, that is. He curses again just to let some steam off.

Baekhyun can hate him all he wants, but he won't give in again. No more romanticising Baekhyun’s scars, no more tender kisses on irritated skin and no more lies. If Baekhyun thinks that Chanyeol loves him more with scars on his body he'll never stop hurting himself. The only chance for him to get better is for Chanyeol to be honest. Not that he hasn't been honest about how the scars look on Baekhyun. They are beautiful, they really are. But if Baekhyun keeps going like this, there will be no boy left for him to love.

A naive thought hits him. Perhaps everything will go back to normal once they move.

Chanyeol has to laugh.

The move is in three days. They've waited for so long, but now it seems too soon. How are they supposed to board a plane and walk into their new house when Chanyeol can't even look at Baekhyun without involuntarily pitying him? That means that Baekhyun has to get better in three days.

Chanyeol laughs again. And then he cries. Again. He seems to be doing that more often than lately.

It's two hours later and the door to the therapist's office finally opens. Baekhyun seems surprised to find Chanyeol waiting for him but he doesn't acknowledge him.

"How did it go?" Chanyeol asks and tries his best to appear bright.

"I'm free to go." A smile spreads across Baekhyun's lips but Chanyeol sees red again.

"You can't be. You almost died yesterday!" He looks over to the therapist who's standing beside Baekhyun. The man looks down on his notes and shakes his head.

"There's no sign of depression or any disorder that we can investigate at the time being. Therefore he's free to go and rest at home."

"But you can't–," Chanyeol begins but the man interrupts him before he can go on.

"Baekhyun here is more than welcome to come back in a couple of weeks to talk to me again if he wishes, but until then there's nothing I can do." He sounds so authoritative as if he knows what's best for Baekhyun. He clearly doesn't. There's no chance in hell Baekhyun is able to leave when he's still a threat to himself. "Dr Kim Hoseok will come and visit you in your room in an hour or so. He will explain where you'll go from here, Baekhyun. Take care now." And then he walks into his office and closes the door behind him.

Chanyeol stands there with his mouth hanging open.

"Don't look so surprised. I knew there was nothing wrong with me." Baekhyun sounds too cheerful to be appropriate compared to the current atmosphere. "Now, will you please follow me to my room and keep me company? I'm sorry that I yelled at you earlier," he says and holds onto Chanyeol's arm. He drags him with him. Chanyeol shakes his head and closes his mouth as they move toward the elevator.

Baekhyun is free to go? Blinking slowly, he lets himself be led by his boyfriend as he sorts his thoughts out. So everyone is going to pretend this never happened, really? They're just supposed to go back home and pack their bags while ignoring the stitches on Baekhyun's wrists? What about the cut on his hip? Or the ones on his calves? Or the dozens of other ones? Will Baekhyun just pretend that he got them at work just like before? As to not bring up old wounds? As to not make them think of these days ever again?

Chanyeol will need to sleep for a year when they get back home.

 

**\+ + +**

 

After a short conversation about how he will care of his wounds with Dr Kim Hoseok, Baekhyun finally jumps into the taxi Chanyeol had ordered. The doctor told him that he'd booked him an appointment in Italy to remove his stitches in a week. Other than that, he is free to forget this ever happened, which won't be too difficult.

To think that he got to the hospital only yesterday when it feels like he was trapped in that white room for ages. Baekhyun lets out a content sigh as the taxi drives off, leaving the tall building behind them. He won't miss that place at all, not with its annoying nurses and boring doctors. No, Baekhyun is really happy to leave. He wishes he could say the same about Chanyeol. His boyfriend is currently staring out the window as the cars in the other lane slowly pass by. Baekhyun's hand is resting on top of Chanyeol's, but the latter had given no response whatsoever when he'd initiated the contact.

The silence presses down on them, yet no one dares to say a word in case it sets the other off. They reach their apartment building and Chanyeol pays the driver, who scoffs at him when Chanyeol doesn't tip him. Traffic had been hell and his wallet is probably screaming for mercy. Baekhyun is the first to get into their apartment. Chanyeol steps out of his shoes and walks past him towards the bedroom, Baekhyun following closely behind. To both of their relief, the room is spot-clean. There's no dried blood on the floor and the knife is nowhere to be seen. Someone must've been hired by the hospital to clean everything. Chanyeol turns around so that he finally looks down Baekhyun.

"I don't know where to go from here. I know what I want but I'm unsure about what you think. Do you still want this move to happen?" Chanyeol's eyes are begging Baekhyun to say yes, which would be quite a comical sight if it weren't for the way his lips are trembling.

"Of course I still want to move with you, Chanyeol! You're still everything to me and you have to know that. If it weren't for you I probably wouldn't be here right now." Or maybe none of this would have happened in the first place. Baekhyun shakes the thought out of his head.

"I just... I can't..." Chanyeol stammers, seemingly trying to find the right words. "There'll be no more faked accidents and self-implied scars from here on, you understand? Otherwise, I won't be able to live with you. The idea of you hurting yourself because of me makes me sick. Please don't put that burden on me, not after all these years."

Oh. So Baekhyun makes him sick now, does he? The words hurt him deeper than any drag of a knife ever has. How can Chanyeol not see that he only started to hurt himself because Chanyeol himself had said that his scars made him beautiful three years ago? Still, Baekhyun can't find it in him to defend himself anymore. All these fights are getting tiring.

"I'm sorry that you no longer find my body attractive." Chanyeol tries to object but Baekhyun puts his hand up to stop him. "You can't take those words back, Chanyeol. I see how it is, but I hope you can still love me after this." He moves his hands up and down in front of his body. "Even if you were the one that made me create them, I'll try to forgive you. I just don't how I'll be able to love my body if the man I love gets disgusted by it."

"Please don't say that this is my fault. This is so messed up, Baekhyun, all of this. I can see now that I may have given you a weird outlook on your scars, but the fault lies in you as well. I never wanted you to hurt yourself, never asked of it!" Baekhyun just nods as Chanyeol raises his voice again. He's tired of getting yelled at. But then Chanyeol growls in annoyance and cups Baekhyun's face with his two large hands. "I've said it a thousand times and I will say it again. I will say it until you finally believe me when I tell you that you're beautiful, Baekhyun. In every single way there is. Your body is wonderful, so don't you dare tell me that I find you disgusting."

He leans in and Baekhyun closes his eyes as Chanyeol's lips ghosts over his own. It's an apology and Baekhyun wraps his arms around Chanyeol's neck, pressing their lips together with too much force. Their teeth clash together and they breathe each other in. Electric currents move through Baekhyun and it feels like he's on fire. Kissing Chanyeol never gets old, no matter how many times they've done it.

It's not long until Chanyeol drags Baekhyun with him to the mattress, never taking their lips off each other. He ends up on top of Chanyeol, bodies already moving together in unison, seeking for that sweet friction they desire so badly. An inaudible moan leaves him as Chanyeol's hands sneak up under his T-shirt, eagerly reaching for his hardening nipples. Baekhyun grinds down and is suddenly flipped over so that his boyfriend is hovering over him. Chanyeol's eyes are dark, filled to the brim with long-awaited lust.

They make quick business of undressing each other, both of them too impatient to drag out on this. Their bodies are screaming for each other, having been separated for so long. With everything that has happened to Baekhyun, they have seemed to forget how much they both mentally and physically need each other.

Chanyeol is careful when he caresses Baekhyun's hips and torso. To Baekhyun’s embarrassment, he can't help but gasp aloud when Chanyeol accidentally brushes over the cut, a wave of pleasure spreading through his body. Maybe Chanyeol notices, maybe he doesn't. What's important is that he doesn't stop caressing him, although he makes sure to keep a good distance from any of his cuts from there and on.

The thick bandages around his wrists feel awkward when he wraps his arms around Chanyeol's broad back, but Chanyeol doesn't seem to mind. Not long after the initiating kiss, their naked bodies are pressed together, sweat rolling down flushed skin. A bit of prep and then they're finally ready to become one. They go fast in the beginning, thighs slapping against buttocks, whimpers replacing the heavy silence in the small room. Then they go slow, trying to swallow each other's moans. Nails bruises backs and teeth leave imprints on protruding collar bones.

If Baekhyun could have it his way, this was how he was going to die. In the mercy of Chanyeol's hands, gasping for air while his insides are set on fire. A shiver so strong he has to scream out loud passes through him and he's sure he almost blacks out from the force of it. His ever so sweet and gentle boyfriend is relentless as he chases his relief, cursing Baekhyun's name under his breath while his strong hands hold Baekhyun's hips in place. And then he stills and Baekhyun groans at the familiar feeling of Chanyeol ejaculating into his sore body. 

It feels like a new beginning, yet so final. 

Minutes pass and they come down from their highs, bodies still intertwined, limbs numb from the tiring session. Then Chanyeol heads towards the bathroom without saying anything, only to return with a damp towel in his hand. He washes Baekhyun. Gone be the sweat and body fluids, gone be the bad and negative thoughts. He even presses a clean towel to Baekhyun's hip and calves, careful not to make Baekhyun uncomfortable as he removes dried pus from the cuts.

They lay like that for an eternity before Chanyeol's stomach growls for attention. Baekhyun assures Chanyeol that the latter can run to the convenience store to buy some instant ramen, but his boyfriend turns down the offer almost immediately. Instead, Chanyeol orders a pizza that they end up sharing while watching a music program on his phone. Baekhyun offers Chanyeol a toothy smile when the latter surprises him with his favourite wine. They end up sharing the whole bottle, making fun of the contestants on the show they’re watching. It feels nice to laugh together again.

Once the sun sets and the dark clouds replace its spot in the sky, Baekhyun asks Chanyeol to play him a song on the piano. The piano is too ungainly to break apart and bring with them to Italy, so Chanyeol will have to say goodbye to it sooner or later. Chanyeol's fingers trace over the keys for a second while trying to decide which melody to play. Once he presses down on the keys, a clear tune fills the empty apartment. His fingers dance over the white and black buttons in a trance and Baekhyun has to close his eyes as to not become too overwhelmed.

Baekhyun had unconsciously wished for Chanyeol to play something lively and upbeat, a song that could take his mind off the recent events. Rather than being a cheerful number, the notes are mellow and harsh. Sometimes, Chanyeol would move his hand to the far right and press down only for the piano to present some harsh, tinkling cries. Baekhyun has to swallow his tears as the hair on his arms stands up. He doesn't like this song at all, not compared to the other pieces Chanyeol has written.

When Chanyeol finally finishes they sit in silence. Then Chanyeol offers Baekhyun his hand, which he accepts and raises to his feet.

"I will buy you a new piano as soon as we get to Italy," Baekhyun promises and kisses the knuckles of Chanyeol's hand.

"I'll remember you said that." Chanyeol smiles but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. Baekhyun wishes he could fix everything back to the way it was before Chanyeol found out about everything.

There's a storm coming. A glance at the dark winter clouds outside is enough to picture how much snow there will be on the streets tomorrow, not to mention the traffic chaos it will cause. It'll be such a change of scenery and climate once they get to Italy. Baekhyun hopes he won't have to wear his padded jacket when they arrive.

There's not much left for them to do after the piano session. With tired limbs and heavy eyelids, they decide that it's time for bed. Tomorrow will be a busy day. They'll have to clean the whole apartment and get rid of everything. It'll be their last full day in the first home they shared together. Leaving it will be bittersweet, like saying goodbye to an old friend. There're so many thoughts swirling around in Baekhyun's head right now. The more he thinks of leaving their apartment, the harder it is to picture not living in Seoul anymore. He'll have to learn a new language and adjust to Italy's culture. When the two of them talked about moving before, they'd both been so excited. And Baekhyun is still excited, of course. Still, he'll leave his home with a heavy heart.

As they lay in bed, Baekhyun thinks about his family whom he won't be able to visit as frequently anymore. Saying goodbye to them had been one of the most difficult things he'd ever experienced. The same goes for leaving Chanyeol's family. They always made Baekhyun and Chanyeol food and left it at their door whenever one of them was sick. Usually along with a "Get Well" card which always made the two of them smile fondly while reading it. Baekhyun already misses his parents. He misses Chanyeol’s mom and dad, and he misses Emma. What a waste to not see her grow up with his own eyes, instead having pictures sent to him every now and then. There are so many things Baekhyun will miss once they leave. The only consistent thing he'll always have is Chanyeol, which he's more than thankful for. Chanyeol is more than enough. 

"What are you thinking about?" The man in question asks when Baekhyun is quiet for too long.

"The move," Baekhyun answers honestly. "Our parents and how much I'll miss them, I guess." Chanyeol snuggles closer, his warm breaths fanning Baekhyun's forehead.

"I'll miss them too, probably more than I want to admit," he chuckles and it makes the whole bed vibrate. "But we'll see them soon enough. I bet they'll come and visit us in less than a month if we're too bad at keeping in contact with them, don't you think?"

"You're right." The thought of his mom showing up at their doorstep in Italy with a frown on her face and an accusing finger pointing at them makes Baekhyun smile into Chanyeol's chest. "I just wish we could fit them into our suitcases and take them with us, that's all. How will we survive without your mom's beef stew? It wouldn't surprise me if I find myself missing your dad's endless jokes about cars as well."

"If it ever gets to that point, I'll assign you to a mental hospital as soon as possible," Chanyeol jokes and pokes Baekhyun's side, making him hiss. He kicks Chanyeol on his shin with little to no force at all. "Just kidding, just kidding! Let's pray they come and visit us before it gets to that point." Baekhyun just huffs but still lets out a content sigh when Chanyeol's lips press onto his scalp.

There's no moon illuminating the room anymore, grey clouds hiding it from view. Snowflakes big as coins fall outside, too many to count. They fall fast and heavily as if made entirely out of hard ice. Every now and then, icy rain pelts the window and the droplets freeze completely once they hit the hard surface.

As if sensing the gloomy weather, the cuts on Baekhyun's body decides to remind him how much they actually hurt. He should've taken the painkillers that were prescribed to him, but he's too comfortable right now that only the thought of him walking out in the kitchen makes him shiver. His wrists, hips and calves are throbbing. Even the way Chanyeol's fingers caress his back makes his skin feel sore. It's too hot all of a sudden so he removes his lover's heavy arm around his waist and shuffles away. Chanyeol doesn't seem to mind, instead turning himself into a ball and hugging his long legs. He looks down at Baekhyun

"I love you," he says simply and he really means it, Baekhyun knows he does. "I love you so much, Baekhyun."

"I love you," Baekhyun replies and he means it too. He's never loved anyone as much as he loves Chanyeol. His lover lifts his hand and drags his fingers through Baekhyun's fringe which is also getting too long. Getting themselves a haircut if the first thing on the list to do once they get to Italy. Chanyeol looks at him with such emotion that Baekhyun has to retreat his eyes only to close them.

"I just wish that you will see how beautiful you are someday," Chanyeol whispers and Baekhyun's stomach turns inside out. His cuts rip open and he pukes blood and there's even blood on the bed sheets. Chanyeol is covered in the crimson liquid and the snowflakes outside turn into the same colour. Streaks of red run down the walls and the concrete ceiling is getting cracked. Chanyeol pleads for help but Baekhyun's has bitten off his own tongue so he can't speak.

But then Baekhyun opens his eyes and there is Chanyeol just like he last saw him. The blanket on top of him is moving along with his body as he snores softly. There's no sight of blood anywhere around them and Baekhyun breathes out. His brain sure is fucked up.

He copies Chanyeol and curls into himself, trying to calm his thumping heart. Then he closes his eyes and matches his breathing to Chanyeol's. He loves Chanyeol.

 

**\+ + +**

 

Chanyeol is awakened by the wind crying outside the window. If it was summer, there would've been strikes of lighting every other second. But since it's winter, there's only a forceful blast and heavy snowflakes falling in rapid speed. As Chanyeol's eyes adjust to the dark, he only manages to see white as he looks up towards the window. The snow is so heavy and compact that nothing else can be seen. It's still night, it has to be.

With nothing else in mind than going back to sleep, he scoots over to Baekhyun to find some warmth in him. When his extended arm falls onto the mattress without making any contact with Baekhyun, he leans on his elbow and squints his eyes. The spot beside him is empty and cold, the blanket his boyfriend uses is tossed onto the floor. Perhaps he only went to relieve his bladder? But even as Chanyeol thinks it, he knows there's something wrong. Or maybe "wrong" isn't the right word, but there's something that tells him that Baekhyun needs him.

He removes the blanket and sits up, neck cracking as he looks around the empty room. At least his eyes are adjusted to the dark by now and the snow outside lights up the room just enough so that he can find the door to the hallway. His naked feet are cold as they tap on the floor, slowly making his way towards the kitchen. He can't help the sigh of relief leaving his lips as he finds the kitchen empty and spot clean, just as they left it yesterday. A part of him had half dreaded, half expected to find Baekhyun lying on the floor.

"Baekhyun?" He calls out but his voice is deep and sore after waking up in the middle of the night. No one answers back, so he walks towards the bathroom instead. The door is closed but not locked, so he gently raps his knuckles against the wood before opening it. "Are you in there?" The light isn't on and there's no Baekhyun sitting on the toilet or taking a shower. Chanyeol furrows his eyebrows. Where could he be? There's no chance in hell that Baekhyun would leave the apartment when there's a storm outside.

The bathroom door is left ajar as he walks towards the only room he hasn't checked yet. The TV isn't on and the couch is empty. But then he sees him.

There in the dark, next to the grand piano, stands Baekhyun dressed in nothing but his white boxers, wicked eyes staring right at Chanyeol. The blood streaming down his legs, arms and torso is burgundy red. It looks black in the dark, ink seeping out from everywhere. 

"Baekhyun?" He's almost too afraid to speak his name. This must be a nightmare. This can't be happening again. "Put that down right now." He points towards the large kitchen knife in Baekhyun's hand. To his dismay, Baekhyun stays silent, his eyes never leaving Chanyeol's. With his heart beating hard behind his ribs, he slowly takes a step forward. Baekhyun stands still. "You'll be okay. Everything will be alright, I promise," he whispers and manages to reduce the distance between Baekhyun and him another meter or two. He's using all his willpower as to not throw up at the familiar sight.

"Why don't you love us anymore?" Baekhyun finally speaks. His voice is calm and soothing, almost as if the blood pouring out of him is fake. As if all of this is an act.

"Us? Who is  _ us? _ " Chanyeol asks and stops in his place when Baekhyun takes a step backwards, eyes still fixed on Chanyeol. Now when they're standing closer to each other Chanyeol notices a cut on Baekhyun's high cheekbone. It's deep. Deep enough to make the lower half of his cheek hang down over his jaw, his iris and pupil invisible from being bloodshot. His whole face is deformed.

Biting down on his tongue in an attempt not to scream, Chanyeol allows himself to take a closer look at Baekhyun's wounds. It's almost impossible to make out all the cuts from the blood covering every inch of his lover's body. His boxers are wet and sagging, droplets of blood falling to the floor creating a puddle where he stands. It looks as if he has dragged the knife all the way from his ankles, over his pale stomach, across his chest to his slender arms. The cuts on his thighs are so deep that the skin hangs in multiple flaps. The bandages around his wrists are loose and hanging on for dear life as they get heavier and heavier from the weight of the liquid. The only part of Baekhyun that looks intact is the left side of his face. His skin is pale and his eyes are dark. Chanyeol has to do something before it's too late. If Baekhyun doesn't kill himself, he'll die from the blood loss sooner or later.

But then Baekhyun screams.

"You used to love us, used to love me! Everything you've ever said to us has been a lie!" His teeth are red and spits of blood leave him as he screams at Chanyeol. Chanyeol is shaking. This is too much for him to handle. He doesn't understand anything. How is the man standing in front of him the same person he promised to share his life with?

"Who is 'us', Baek? Who are you talking about?" Panic is ultimately getting to him. He yells back in hopes for answers. The Baekhyun he knows would never do anything like this. Still, in front of him stands the man he loves. Chanyeol wants to force the knife out of his hand so that he can cut his own heart out and throw it onto the floor by Baekhyun's feet. He doesn't want this anymore.

"It's your fault it went this far. You're the reason I can't stay here anymore!" Baekhyun’s cheek flaps as he yells at Chanyeol, white bone getting visible as the skin gets looser. This isn't good. Chanyeol looks around with frantic eyes, trying to find something,  _ anything _ , that can save Baekhyun. But his phone is by their bed and he doesn't dare to tackle him to the floor in case Baekhyun will defend himself with the knife. "You should've loved me as I once was, or you should've loved us as we are now." Baekhyun never lets his eyes leave Chanyeol as he motions for his bleeding wounds. Then he continues with an accusing tone, "But you didn't and I tried. We tried to show you how far we were willing to go for you to just  _ love us! _ Everything is your fault. Your fault, Chanyeol."

And that last sentence leaves Chanyeol gasping for air. This is all his fault, it's true. He curses himself and his decision to kiss Baekhyun better all those times. He curses himself and he curses his life. He deserves to see the love of his life bleed to death in front of him. After all, he was the one who put himself into this situation.

"No..." Chanyeol drops down to his knees making the blood on the floor splash around him, staining the walls. "I love you." The tears fall, at last. "I love you." His voice is almost inaudible compared to the storm raging outside. Chanyeol wishes he was out there instead. He'd rather freeze to death than die of shame. He's so ashamed of himself. Here he is, an arm’s length away from his lover, and he can't do anything to save him. He can only watch as the light in Baekhyun's eyes fades away.

Baekhyun's knuckles protrude from the strong grip around the knife's shaft. Chanyeol is frozen to the spot, not moving an inch as the love of his life brings the knife towards his sharp collarbones. There's a switch in Baekhyun's sinister eyes, a flicker of realisation flashing over his features. The smile he gives Chanyeol is genuine. His lips are moving but there's no sound. But Chanyeol understands.

`Please, love me.´

And then Baekhyun slits his throat.


End file.
